If you’ve never listened to the Magic Sponge podcast, you really should…
Basically, Jimmy Bullard, Rob Beckett and another (slightly less funny) guy sit down with ex-footballers and tell funny stories.
That’s the gist of it. Some are good, some less so, but when Tony Warner comes on – it’s nothing short of brilliant!
Our former trainee keeper sat on our bench behind David James in the 1990s, and went on to enjoy a career at Millwall and Fulham among others.
But when it comes to storytelling, he’s elite! You might remember his tale about a fight with Stan Collymore, but yesterday’s anecdote about former Liverpool left-back Steve Harkness takes the prize…
We warn you, if you’re eating your lunch, save this article for later.
Warner is describing an occasion in which he walked into a hotel room and saw the complementary confectionary next to his bed…
We’ll let him take it from here:
“When you go in there, there’d always be sweets and three or four chocolates next to the bed,” Warner began.
“I’d always fly in and scoff all the chocolates dead quick.
“So, one day I’ve walked in and I’ve grabbed the chocolates. Bang! One goes in. Bang! Another goes in.
“Then there was another one. They usually come wrapped in paper like cupcakes, but this one looks like it had kind of been smeared in…
“Do you know what gave him away? An arse hair. Just an arse hair hanging out the shite.
“At the same time, I’ve picked up on the smell.
“So, I’ve seen it and thought ‘imagine if that went in my mouth’. I’ve turned around, looked at the door and Harkness is there with his head poked around the corner.
“He’s burst off laughing and I’ve legged it after him, shouting ‘I’d have f***ing killed you had I have eaten that, I’d have f***ing destroyed you’.
“I was thinking to myself afterwards that if I’d eaten that shit, that story would’ve followed me around forever. I remember saying to him afterwards: ‘The f***ing hiding I’d have had to give you to appease myself…’
“I’d have been ruthless.”