FA To Handicap Maxi for Spurs clash

By Darren Rudham

In a shock move, England’s governing body of football, the Football Association, has decided to a handicap a player ahead of an EPL matchup.

The player, Liverpool Football Club’s Maxi Rodriguez, will receive a ring block injection around his right thigh before kick off on Sunday against Tottenham Hotspur in an attempt to render the leg useless. The initial decision to simply blindfold the Argentinean winger was rejected as fears surfaced that it would be insufficient to nullify the threat the ex-Atletico Madrid player posed.

Harry Redknapp, who was on hand at Craven Cottage for Rodriguez’s single handed dismantling of Fulham yesterday, is believed to have spearheaded the initiative. Well known for his off-field acumen, Redknapp reportedly received an emergency meeting with new FA chairman, David Bernstein.

Sources have indicated that during the meeting Redknapp convinced the Bernstein that English football only stood to gain in popularity abroad by keeping Liverpool FC and what he was reputed to have called “their scally Scouser fans” out of European competition.
Redknapp was unavailable for comment.

Rodriguez, who scored perhaps the finest goal of the 2006 World Cup, bagged his first of three goals just 33 seconds into yesterday’s fixture. It was his second hat trick in as many weeks. “They could cut my leg off for all I care,” said Rodriguez. “I’ll still score with the other one.”

“Maxi is one of the most dangerous players in English football right now,” said Liverpool gaffer, Kenny Dalglish. “He can’t miss. What’s most shocking is that they didna decided to numb both legs.”

Fulham goalkeeper, Mark Schwarzer, has applauded the decision.

“It’s only fair that the FA try to make sure that there is more parity in league play,” claimed the Australian number one. “Two hat tricks in three matches is one hat trick too many.”

In an unrelated note, Schwarzer has called for yesterday’s game balls to be tested for tampering. He believes that Dirk Kuyt and Rodriguez’s third goal came as a result of what he dubbed “funny balls.” The FA as yet has not responded to his move for an official inquest.