T****s Vows to Find Scoring Formula

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Torres Vows to Find Scoring Formula
Chelsea Front Man Dedicates £25m to its Creation

Fernando Torres, Chelsea FC’s £50m striker today has promised the Stamford Bridge faithful to return to the type of form that saw him set the club record for the fewest games to score 50 goals with Chelsea rivals, Liverpool Football Club. Since setting the record transfer fee to London the prolific goal scorer has struggled to score for the Blues.

The Chelsea ace has netted once in 21 appearances for the London team, although he put in a Man of the Match performance in the 0-0 draw with Stoke City in their season opener. Three games in, he is already behind the likes of Jose Bosingwa and Juan Mata who scored on his debut against Norwich City.

Reports suggest that he is under increasing pressure to start scoring for his new club and has explored many less traditional methods in combating his scoring woes. Those close to the Spaniard have alleged he has had his boots blessed by Shamans, consulted Eastern transcendentalists and – under fellow striker Didier Drogba’s advice – even contemplated virgin sacrifice.

But after talking to fellow ex-Red Yossi Benayoun, who underwent horse placenta treatment for an ankle injury in 2009, Torres has decided to pursue what he has dubbed “a more scientific approach” in ending what can only be described as the most expensive scoring drought in EPL history.

Torres has indicated he will spend up to half of his transfer fee in isolating the mythical Scoring Formula claiming that “it will be worth every penny if it helps me back to the top of my game.” When asked to comment, Liverpool head coach and man responsible for his sale, Kenny Dalglish, was reportedly heard laughing before hanging up.

Very little is known about the ingredients or process used to create the mysterious mixture or if it even exists, but it is believed to be based in the same horse placenta technology used by many of the EPL’s top strikers in recent years. It has been alleged that other controlled substances such as tiger penis and rhino horn might be included. Should a breakthrough be made it could revolutionize football for out-of-form strikers.

However, when polled about this unorthodox move, current and ex-aces in England’s top flight were critical of the methodology. Most spoke in favor of applying the more traditional practices of finishing chances and putting the extra time in on the training pitch.

The FA refused to comment.

By Darren Rudham 


  1. You’re a sad sad man Darren. Hating takes too much energy. You’ve written much better articles than this.
    At this point in time, the Kop should be happy! Basking in our new effort, things are looking up? Do we need old droury songs about times painful and forgotten?
    Please let us enjoy the warmth God has blessed our club with and focus on the positive vibe around melwood.
    The players are happy, cap’n should be back soon.
    Smile son!

  2. I completely agree with El pistolero. Darren, you have written much better articles than this appauling one. He was once a great player for us and we fans got behind him (not so long ago either).

    I firmly believed we have moved on from the “torres and gerrard time” and now are in the “reina lucas kuyt suarez time”. The team plays much better without him and I never think to myself how we would be doing if torres was still with us. You should move on too.

    Come on your Reds.

  3. Got to agree leave the past in the past we’ve moved on and are in a better place just look at the team now it will show you how far we’ve come. Theres no point waisting your time writing articles about Torres he made his choice let him live with it, we’ve got a better team n are alot stronger from that transfer……YNWA

  4. Why are we still writing about Torres? He wanted to go, we got fantastic money for him and we’ve improved as a team since he left. Yeah, it’s a little bit funny to see his recent form but seriously, have a laugh to yourself and then get over it.

  5. Don’t be jerk offs,I 4 one enjoyed it thoroughly and almost pissed myself reading it, hilarious coz I can relate to the methods,living in S.Africa, our locals swear by hideous methods as u mentioned to bring luck and all sorts of things really!!!funny as hell and I’ll be looking out for more of your stuff

    All u others think back to that night your’lls beloved Torres back stabbed not only the fans but LFC as a whole by claiming chelski was a bigger club!he deserves to be where he is form wise and I hope there’s plenty where it comes from!! ‘EL Traitor’

  6. you need to shut the fuck up about religon god has blessed us etc if you are retarded enough to belive that crap then fine but keep all that god jesus shit to your self 1 word science science proves everything infact im not even getting into that shit fuck you fuck your bull shit retard religons and most of all fuck torres dalglish fenway and chelsea bought and sold torres and suarez not something that doesnt even exsist so just shut the fuck up

  7. Torres??? Who’s he? We have Luis a far better player. The guy made his choice, Maybe with Raul there now he will link up with him and start scoring, good luck to him doesn’t concern us anymore. We have to look at our players that are here now

  8. The only suggestion for Torres would be that instead of a horse’s placenta, he should think about using a horse’s ass. In HIS case, it would be SO much more appropriate. If that scumbag NEVER scores another goal, it will be too soon.

  9. the reason why Torres is so shite at chelski is because he is not wearing a Red shirt its that simple,maybe he should let Terry sleep with his wife ,what a bunch of faggots they are at that club, YNWA.

  10. Nothing wrong with this article…..just a little banter to laugh at. We poke fun of other rival players also. We shouldn’t be so sensitive of this torres issue. He’s just like any other opposition player. So what if he once played us…..its the past, we can treat him like any other player! I thought it was a creative and well written piece.

  11. I actually found that quite amusing given all the serious articles that we have been reading here for the past month and a bit re rumour etc.

    he’s just taking the piss so perhaps try not to take it out of context.

  12. While I agree we should forget him but can’t help having laugh.
    Believe this article is written with a more humorous intent rather than a vendetta.
    Can’t help add that Torres is a jinx at club level, A Madrid won nothing with him and won the UEFA cup immediately after he left.
    we won nothing with him although we use to win regularly before he came, now that he is gone we will return to winning ways.
    Chelsea finished empty handed last season although the had shown early promise and with him it should continue.

  13. Don’t know about everyone else but I laughed. I definitely think moving on is a good thing but I thought this was funny too.

  14. hahahaha loughable, lets leave Torreschenco alone.. The way he left us, i always wish him bad luck.. He claimed chelsea is big than The reds, i hope time will tell., where is Yossi Benayoun? The path will be the same!

  15. Leave this in the cellar where it belongs, we have far more positive issues to concern ourselves with. If you want to tempt fate by mocking him do it as far away from LFC sites as possible, especially with his replacement currently showing all the signs of being another Tony Hateley.

  16. You all knew who the article was about by the headline but you all still read it which indicates you still have emotions regarding Torr£s be them good or bad.
    I am more happy with our team now than I have been for a long time, he moved on and Im over it.
    I hope he never scores again though :)

  17. I thought it was funny. If you can’t have a laugh at a traitorous ex-player’s expense then you shouldn’t be watching football.

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