Dear Fernando Torres,
We would like to congratulate you on your stellar contribution to ‘Operation Chelsea Meltdown’. The Board of Liverpool Football Club would like to extend our appreciation towards your efforts in this operation. We did not expect you to go this long without scoring! You exceeded our expectations. Excellent job! We urge you to continue your goal scoring drought for as long as possible, preferably until Euro 2016, by which your contract with Chelsea would have expired.
We would like to remind you of your other aims and targets that has yet to be fulfilled at Chelsea.
Keep Didier Drogba on the bench.
As predicted, Carlo Ancelotti wouldn’t have the balls to play Drogba at the expense of you warming the bench, regardless of the amount of attacking moves you have messed up, stray passes, and inability to score, coupled with your total lack of effort and enthusiasm. Keeping Drogba on the bench is pivotal to the success of this operation.
Get sent off against Manchester City
Your sending off will undoubtedly hand Manchester Shitty the advantage to destroy Chelsea, and allow them the opportunity to close the gap on Manchester United (scum). After you have been sent off, we expect Chelsea’s 10 pensioners to be unable to cope with Man City’s overpaid mercenaries. After much deliberation, the board have decided that it would be for the best intentions of Liverpool Football Club, that you get yourself sent off against Tottehham as well, who are direct contenders for a Champions League spot. Commit a two foot lunge, dissent, anything. Or do a Suarez even! Yeah, bite off someone’s ear or something.
Take and miss a penalty
You remember Joe Cole don’t you? You remember his missed penalty against Trabzonspor too right? Yeah shoot straight at the keeper just like he did. Or sky the ball over the bar like your former captain did against Blackburn. We’re all sure Carlo would be furious! But don’t worry, your 50 million price tag will give you immunity from the bench.
Cause dressing room disharmony
Now Fernando, this must be achieved discreetly. Do whatever you deem necessary, like talking behind each others back, and badmouthing Nicolas Anelka, Ashley Cole or Petr Cech. We suggest you get John Terry so sleep around again, just like how he did with Wayne Bridges’ girlfriend. This would make Chelsea the laughing stock of the Premier League. But you be wary Fernando, keep that girlfriend preying beast away from your lovely wife Olalla.
Fernando, we understand that fulfilling these targets would require tremendous effort on your part. But if accomplished successfully, you could still turn out to be Liverpool’s Player of the season! Although I must say your replacement, Luis ‘King’ Suarez has made supporters across Merseyside go, ‘Fernando who?’. Unlike you, he actually runs at defenders and beat them, link play, trackback, assist and score goals.
The Board and fans of Liverpool Football Club wish you all the best in fulfilling ‘Operation Chelsea Meltdown’.
P.S Please congratulate Yossi Benayoun on our behalf for his terrific contribution to the operation by getting himself injured for long periods. We recommend you follow suit next season.
The Board of Liverpool Football Club.
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Right guys, I wrote this in the hope to give you guys a laugh and to entertain you as well. I’m not writing this to criticise/insult Fernando Torres. Neither am I writing this because I can’t get over the fact that he left us and that I’m still gutted he’s not with us anymore. How can I miss him after Suarez’s magical performance against Manchester United? Fernando is a top guy, top player, and is still my favourite player. For those who think this is mean, please try to see the humour in it.
Joseph